Stop taking everything personally
All is not about you.
If only we could all relax a bit and stop imagining that everyone is out to get us, life would be so much easier.
There is one piece of advice that I give all my friends when they come to me with “I don’t know what to do. Person X is ignoring me”.
Relax, take a deep breath, let it go. Person X probably has things on their mind and is not ignoring you intentionally. If they are, they are not worthy of your friendship and you should let them go.
There have been cases in my life where people have tried (and succeeded at first) to manipulate me through various means, but these are exceptions. I learn early on (in most cases) that the person is not to be trusted and that my efforts at creating a good environment for our friendship to flourish are useless, so I let go.
There are literally 8 billion other people out there. And I’m not one with the best people skills (although I am pretty good at masking, I’ll give you that), but I’m sure I can find a few to vibe with.
If someone you trust suddenly stops answering your calls or your messages, if they forget to meet you, it’s not necessarily something you did. If you know you did something, you have the option to apologize.
If you think you did something, but are not sure, apologize and ask what the other person feels and what made them feel that way. If they don’t want to tell you, that’s on them, not you.
If you know there’s nothing you did wrong, then it’s probably not on you. So many things happen to people at all times, that assuming that the only reason person X isn’t talking to you is because of you is quite selfish.
Some people have accidents. Some people die and you only find out from the news of through other third party sources of information. Some people lose family members and are in grief and unable to socialize because it hurts too much. Some people simply are in pain most of the time and have run out of spoons. You can’t know. You can ask, but don’t expect an answer, you won’t always get one.
I know, I’m a curious being too, I like to know what’s up with my friends and family and the little businesses and artists I follow. But they have no obligations towards being nice to me, answering my many questions, being there for me when I need help.
It is only something they are willing (or not) to give from themselves, without obligation. We all have this freedom to choose to whom we offer our energies.
Unless you have someone who depends to you for their livelihood (I’m thinking here of parents, you chose to bring children into this world, so they are your responsibility), you have no obligations towards your fellow humans (and here I’m not talking about respecting the laws of your country, which you do have an obligation to respect if you want to be a citizen with full legal rights).
It’s all a choice. Just as it is a choice to not take everything personally, especially when it’s not personal.
When someone walks by hurriedly and looking at something, they bump into you by mistake. They have no awareness of bumping into you, they don’t say “sorry” or “excuse me”, they keep moving. You don’t have to get angry at their lack of respect. It’s not about you.
When your upstairs neighbor drills holes into the walls at 7 in the morning and wakes you up and the noise gives you a migraine. The neighbor has no idea that you were out partying until 3 AM and are now sensitive to noise. You don’t need to get angry at their lack of awareness of the lives of their neighbors. They are trying to do a little organizing in the little space they have. It’s not about you.
When the clerk at the store doesn’t answer your “Hello” with anything because they are hurriedly scanning all your groceries they might not even be able to afford. They are not ignoring you on purpose, they just need to concentrate and be efficient, so people waiting in line don’t get angry at them for doing small talk with customers. It’s not about you.
When a person in your family decides that they want to use different pronouns and a different name because they dislike the old name and pronouns and feel misgendered when someone uses them. They are doing this for their own mental health, you don’t need to start shouting and telling everyone that you can’t possibly learn to use different pronouns and names for people you’ve known for years. It’s not about you.
When your autistic kid decides to lock themselves in their room because the world is too full of stimuli and they feel like they are about to explode, when they run away from a family conversation, when they press their hands to their ears or spin or flap around making noises, when they balk from your touch, when they hit their heads with their fists. This doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent or a bad human, it only means that they need a break. It’s not about you.
So don’t make it about you.
There’s no need to shout to make sure everyone hears how upset you are that something unrelated to you has happened.
There’s no need to throw things, to get angry, to cry, to hit things, just because you feel that it is unfair to not receive the attention you believe you deserve.
This is an opportunity for you to check your privileges.
- What makes you think you are entitled to this person’s attention or consideration?
- What in your life has taught you that everyone needs to cater to your needs, despite them having their own needs?
- Where and when did you learn that it’s acceptable to bring all attention to yourself and to demand work from others?
- What can you do to help the people who are too busy to give you attention, instead of demanding things from them?
These are all questions I deal with every day. Some days more than others.
These questions relate to a lot of issues facing us today. Misinformation, racism, xenophobia, ableism, sexism, homophobia and transphobia (and so many more), they all contribute to this view of the world in which a person feels entitled to the attention and energy of another person just because they are generally privileged in one area or another.
Privilege for certain people might be ingrained in our societies, but it is not personal. You are not entitled to your privilege. You are just lucky to have unearned advantages due to the circumstances of your birth and upbringing.
You are not entitled to control what other people think, what they talk about, who they talk to, who they spend time with.
All is not about you.
